12 Tips to Help You Talk to Your Children
About Sexuality and Abstinence From the curriculum Preparing My Children for Life
By The Confederation of Spanish American Families
A listening attitude is a very important element when talking to your children about sex. Try not to act surprised if and when your children ask you questions or make comments about sex. Remember that your children are being bombarded with sexual messages from different sources, especially from the media. In some cases the information your child receives may go against your personal and family expectations. Don't get angry or think your children are "abnormal" or "rebellious" if they ask you questions - simply listen carefully to all they have to say and ask them the source of their information. Treat them with respect and look forward to providing proper guidance consistent with your family and cultural expectations.
When your son/daughter asks about sex, don't be afraid to address these issues directly and openly. If your children sense negativity or hesitation, they may start to see sexuality as a "taboo" (as something bad) instead of the positive gift it is. Any sense of discomfort on your part could make them prefer to go to people or sources other than you to satisfy their curiosity.
Always give children the facts about sex. When sharing information, consider their age and interest in sexuality. Don't avoid the topic by saying: "We'll talk about this later," "When you're older, you will understand," or "You're not old enough to ask about these things." Remember that if they don't get the information from you, they may search for information in other places like the streets or other sources like their friends. Also, don't avoid answering the questions depending on their gender. Many parents often say to their kids, "Ask your Mom/Dad, let her/him talk to you about this." Educate yourself on the subject and be ready to respond to any question about sex your son or daughter might have. Both parents have the responsibility to talk to their children about topics related to sex such as menstruation, puberty, etc.
Do not give false or inaccurate information. Some parents invent any answer just to get out of the "situation" or try to satisfy their children's curiosity without giving the correct information. The result: Confused children who lose trust in their parents because they don't educate them with the facts. That is why many adolescents prefer to discuss these issues with people other than their parents.
When your child asks about something about which you don't have much knowledge or feel you can't give a clear answer, have enough courage to let them know that you don't have the information and invite them to research the subject with you. You can both look in the dictionary, encyclopedia, library or on the Internet. Your honesty will help them realize you have an open mind and that they can trust you whenever they have any doubts or concerns. In addition, they will appreciate you as a parent. For instance:
Question: Dad, what is the human papillomavirus?
Answer: That's a very interesting question. I'm not sure I can give you a clear answer, but why don't you look in this encyclopedia while I search the Internet. That way we'll have the most accurate answer to your question.
When your children ask you about sex, they're not always looking for just a "scientific" answer. They may also want to know your thoughts, feelings and values about the question they are asking. Be sure to provide them with these as well as the factual information they request.
Your children need to perceive security, maturity and confidence in your explanation of sexuality and your values. If you feel nervous, prepare beforehand for when questions come up so that your children sense your attitude of comfort and openness.
Many parents believe that sex education must be provided mostly in schools; they don't talk about it because they don't feel capable of doing so. Ironically, schools believe that parents should be the primary educators of their children about sex. Meanwhile, children hear more about sex from the media and their friends than they do from their parents. Remember that young people have many doubts and curiosities they don't know how to satisfy. For this reason, you as a parent must take the initiative to talk to them before it's too late. It doesn't matter if your son/daughter is shy, quiet or feels uncomfortable talking to you about this subject. They need to hear it from you first!
Many parents feel uncomfortable talking about sex at home because they lack knowledge on the biological aspects of sexuality. Remember, however, that sexuality is not only physical, but is also intellectual, emotional and societal. When you talk to your children about your family principles and values, you are teaching them about sexuality. In other words, when you tell your children to appreciate, respect and value their bodies and the body of others, or teach your children the value of waiting until marriage for sex, you are teaching them critical information about the proper use of sexuality.
Some parents may inadvertently pressure their teens to be sexually active by suggesting that teens are incapable of waiting or by indicating that they think that teen sex is inevitable. They even provide condoms so teens can be "prepared and protected." These rare but unfortunate parental attitudes may only result in sexual promiscuity, a false perception people as sexual objects, and further the problem of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
Remember, you can begin to plant the seeds about abstinence and the value of sexuality during childhood. Teaching during the pre-teen years could include: self-esteem, daily hygiene care, understanding inappropriate touch, and recognizing that one's body is something beautiful and valuable. Children should learn to have self-respect and respect for others so they can receive respect in return. Teaching the value of abstinence will increase your children's character and will help them build their emotional and physical health.
We must recognize that an excellent education in sexuality will not be delivered simply by using words and speeches; it will come through your actions and lifestyle. What concept of love, commitment and sex will your children learn through your actions and attitudes? What kind of respect and trust will your son/daughter feel for you, if you don't treat them and others with respect? Your children will mimic your example.
The most powerful tool you have as parent is your way of living - the example you set for your children.
